i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
