You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
