ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
