The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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