So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
