Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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