You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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