Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
