My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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