she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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