I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
