Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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