I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
