My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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