you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
