First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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