remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
