im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
