Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
