All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
