addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
