This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
