I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
