Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
