I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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