just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
