Slut skills are useful in every country.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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