allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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