I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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