I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
BRING THE BAGELS
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i out mim tonsoeep
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