I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
