The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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