im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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