Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
