I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
