I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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