the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
