You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
