Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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