you turned your livingroom into a bong?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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