She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
