i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
