I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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