Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
