Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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