I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
