You smell like a Billy Joel song
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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