he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga