I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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