trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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