Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
