Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
