Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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