Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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