That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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