If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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