he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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