my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
